Back to Basics
by madame.alexandra
Summary: Han and Leia navigate the nuances of reconnecting intimately after Jaina's birth. H/L. Identity 'verse. Smut.


_a/n: a foray back into the Identity 'verse! oddly, a story i never really planned on writing, but, alas, had to be written because i am at the mercy of my own imagination. if i get an idea, no other idea can be focused upon until the first one is attended to. this took so long to get out because a) smut is difficult to write anyway, as it requires one to be in a certain state of mind and b) i was trying to balance a lot of things, and i generally abhor having smut in stories that aren't...centered around the smut, if that makes sense? except this one is? except it also had to have parenting? but that's the whole point! so we'll see how it turns out, won't we?_

* * *

_Back to Basics_

_9 ABY_

* * *

Bathed in the softening late afternoon light that streamed through her wide office window, Leia sat hunched over with her elbows on the edge of her desk, methodically rubbing her temples. She dug the pads of her fingers in hard, though there was a fair chance that the force of her massage was contributing to her dull, throbbing headache.

She massaged in circular motions, and then little anxious taps, digging her teeth moodily into her tongue. She clenched her jaw. Jaina had been fussy for hours, though there was little Leia could do about it – Jaina was safely in the hands of her grandfather, and Leia was at her office.

Which was exactly where she wanted to be, as she'd tearfully told Han a few weeks ago in the midst of Jaina's horrible sleep regression, her early teething, and Leia's most challenging night of motherhood up to that point. She'd ached to go back to work, ached for that familiar rush, and that – compared to parenting – _easily_ manageable stress.

Yet here she was, more often than not distracted by worry over Jaina, and her separation from Jaina, and constantly startled and frustrated and amazed by how much her life had changed – returning to work hadn't brought back normalcy, but added another layer of uniquely altered reality.

There were just so many adjustments. Pregnancy had been an adjustment – physically _having_ the baby was its own isolated wonder that wasn't an adjustment so much as a slap in the face. _Life_ with a newborn had been an adjustment, and so had marriage, intimacy, and other relationships with that baby in the mix.

Adjustments, adjustments, _adjustments_ – and foolishly, perhaps in deliberate denial, Leia had hoped going back to work, really slipping back into her element and getting back to who she was – the diplomat, the Princess – would be easy.

It wasn't. And it wasn't that she no longer knew what she was doing; childbirth certainly hadn't obliterated her academic skills or political acumen, there was simply an additional layer to everything she did. Scheduling had to be more careful – placating Han when she was gone had been one thing, but not only did Jaina _need_ to be nursed, she didn't _want_ to sacrifice time with Jaina if she didn't have to.

Not that she had ever wanted to sacrifice time with Han. It was more that Han was an adult, with interests and friends and ways to entertain himself, a whole life of his own, while Jaina's life revolved around her mother and father – and being there was important to Leia.

She valued her career, but she hadn't had a baby just to foist her off on faceless caretakers. Despite their duties, Leia's parents had taken a pretty active role in her upbringing – as far as aristocratic norms went – and since Leia had declined aristocratic inheritance for her children, and Han wasn't blue blooded at all, she wanted her role to be even more involved. She wanted to be as present as she could be.

She'd been easing back into work, of course. She had not gone from maternity leave to full time, long, excruciating hours laboring for the Republic; she'd started with partial half days, then _full_ weeks of partial days, and she'd often brought Jaina with her, as she hadn't been present at any arena Senate meetings.

This week was her first real, comprehensive week back. She figured today was doubly agitating because Jaina was with Bail rather than Han. It was difficult enough for Jaina to get used to long stretches of Leia's absence, but being separated from Leia _and_ Han did tend to affect her, even though Leia was adamant she adapt and become comfortable with it, and Han grudgingly agreed it was necessary.

Their various family members had taken Jaina for brief periods so Han and Leia could have some alone time – during which they mostly _slept _– but Han, having no responsibilities at the present time, generally had no interest in pawning her off on someone else when he was available and able. They were slowly beginning the process of interviewing full-time help – which Rouge was spearheading – but there was no rush, not when Han wanted to be there.

It just so happened that today, Carlist had asked him to help with some contract work – and there had been something else, though Leia was too distracted to remember what it was. Han was luxuriating in the privilege of picking and choosing his work since retirement, and Leia had pushed him to get out and do _something_.

She was hypersensitive to the fear that he'd reduce himself to nothing but Jaina's caregiver, and come to resent it. Or worse, come to resent _her_.

In fact, she was rather hypersensitive to everything these days, which was yet another thing that irritated her. She'd been assured by Dr. Mellis that it was just a byproduct of the ever fluctuating hormones – something she was unlikely to be free of for a while yet, especially while nursing – but those assurances did nothing at times when she wanted nothing more than to feel normal again.

Giving a rather haggard sigh, Leia pushed her seat back from her desk a little and grudgingly reached for the headset on her desk, fixing it over her head gloomily. She keyed in her father's private number, and waited while the audio holo jingled in her ear.

A moment later – not even a moment, actually – Bail's voice floated through the earpiece.

"Do you know," he began cheerily, without even greeting her. "That I have won a bet?"

Leia frowned, fiddling with the earpiece. She brushed her fingers under her chin.

"You've been gambling?" she asked skeptically.

"No, I've made a bet, and I've won it."

"Gambling and betting are the same thing," Leia pointed out.

"Gambling is physical. Card games and such. Betting is verbal, and not nearly as gauche."

Leia snorted.

"That sounds like something Han told you to get you to take a bet," she said.

Bail went suspiciously silent for a full minute. Leia arched a brow.

"Well," Bail began delicately. "Er, as it turns out…the bet I have won…was with Han," he continued. Leia could damn near _see_ him cringing, he sounded so sheepish.

"Oh, was it now?" Leia asked. "Hmm. As fascinating as that sounds, I'm calling about Jaina."

"The bet was about _you_ calling about Jaina."

"Father," Leia growled, bristling.

"Lelila, Jaina's fine," he soothed. "She's no trouble, and she's safe and healthy."

"I have a Jaina headache," Leia said edgily. "Has she been fussy? Is she refusing bottles again?" she asked.

"She's been a bit crabby," Bail said honestly. "It seemed she just didn't want to be put down, that's all."

"Is she down now? Are you holding her?"

"Rouge has her," Bail said. "They're watching the soaps."

"Hmmm," Leia murmured.

She sighed. Perhaps her headache was an amalgam of things then, or just lingering annoyance drifting off Jaina and settling in the corners of Leia's mind. She twirled the headset cord around her finger, and ground her teeth.

"What was this bet?" she asked.

"When Han dropped Jaina off, he suggested that you would not be able to go a whole day at work without checking up on her. Or checking up on me, with her," Bail explained.

Leia narrowed her eyes.

"He said you'd call before lunch, but I said it would be after," Bail said smugly. "I win."

Leia felt one of those borderline irrational flares of aggravation. She clicked her tongue impatiently.

"It's not as if I've never let you watch the baby before," she protested.

"Well, we are usually at your place," Bail pointed out, "and this is the first time she's been away from both you and Han at a different home for a long time."

"It's just one work day!" Leia explained.

"That was _not_ a criticism, Leia."

"Where does Han get off acting like _I_ am the smother-y one?" Leia fumed. "For three months whenever he was alone with her he actually _never_ left her alone! I came home and he'd made a little nest in the 'fresher sink for her to sleep because he was afraid to shower in a different room!"

Bail laughed.

"Leia," he started, and she could hear the caution in his tone.

She forced herself to calm down, and grit her teeth. She sighed.

"I'm sorry," She said abruptly. "I'm…out of sorts," she muttered. "I feel guilty being at work."

"Ah," Bail said pleasantly. "There's no rush to go back," he said. "If you feel you're not ready – "

"No, I feel guilty for _being_ here _because_ I very much want to be here," Leia interrupted in a grumble.

"Ah," Bail said again.

Leia paused heavily.

"Do you know if Mama ever felt like this? Like she was…I don't know, being…derelict in her motherly duties?" she hesitated, and then shrugged. "Or you, I suppose. But men aren't really…afforded the same judgments. On Alderaan they were. Not generally."

"I know that she missed you when we were away, or if she worked longer than usual," Bail said. "We both did. But I don't think she felt guilty, necessarily. She never expressed that specific emotion. You shouldn't either. There's no shame in having work and…and _life_ outside of your child," he said.

Leia grumbled into the mic at her lips. She knew that. It didn't change the way she felt. Judging by the Media headlines that sometimes poked at her, she was damned if she did, and damned if she didn't.

"Particularly," Bail said gently, "when that child is too little to remember if you are there or not."

"But Jaina – "

"I know I can't grasp the intricacies of how the Force connects you and Jaina, or affects your perception of each other," Bail placated, "but I know _you_ did not endure lasting psychological damage from separation from Padme."

He paused, rather heavily, and then went on:

"Or at least, you always seemed truly happy and well adjusted as a child. Despite that tragedy. And despite Breha and I having hectic lives that did not always put you at the center."

Leia chewed lightly on her lip. She agreed with him. Her life – prior to the Death Star, and the war – had been fairly charmed, and she'd never felt any extreme emotional disturbances, nothing beyond what most would consider normal for an adolescent girl.

And she had never resented her parents for their absences.

Her headache lessened slightly, and she sighed again.

"I know, Father," she murmured. "I suppose I'm just…getting used to it. Still getting used to it."

Bail laughed at her dubious tone.

"You never do," he snorted. "The moment you get used to the way something is, it changes. She starts walking. Or changes her mind about her favorite food. Or something. Always something. That's life now."

Leia smiled.

"Is she still snuggled up with Rouge?" Leia asked.

"Yes, she looks like she might take a nap, in fact. Possibly."

Leia tapped the tips of her fingers together.

"Then I suppose…I will let you go," she murmured.

"We'll take good care of her," Bail assured her. "And if you'd like us to keep her longer, don't hesitate to ask."

"Why, it almost sounds as if you're encouraging me to take some intimate time with my husband," Leia began slyly.

"Goodbye, Leia," Bail said darkly, ending the call.

Leia smiled to herself, and gently tugged the headset down, letting it dangle around her neck. She rubbed her face, feeling slightly better about her day, and then leaned forward, taking a deep breath. She reawakened her console, tapped a button that turned on her Holo, and opened up secure files that Mon had transferred to her earlier this morning.

She adjusted the volume of her Holo so that the news Media channels were on at a dull roar and she'd absorb it casually – until the volume ticked up slightly, as it was set to do when a program used one of the names or subjects on a carefully curated list she and her security team monitored.

She turned her head, narrowing her eyes thoughtfully; as usual, the name that had tipped off the alert was _Solo, Han._ She expected to see an image of him with Carlist, or perhaps hear some fluffy commentary on how _darling_ it was that he was – simply – being a father, but instead she saw a broadcast clipping of him standing – somewhere – with a woman.

Leia cocked her head at the screen, pursing her lips. The suggestive program subtitles floated along the bottom of the screen – _'out and about in the area known as the Smuggler's Bunks, Han Solo is spotted_ _cozying up to_ _an unnamed blonde bombshell…is being stuck at home on Daddy Duty giving Solo a seven-year-itch…?_

Leia blinked, hard. As unfazed as she usually was by nonsense speculation on her marriage, this niggling comment pierced into her gut and managed to skewer the ever insecure, anxious feeling she'd had since Jaina was born – that she wasn't doing this right, that she would be gone too much, that she was losing her edge, that she and Han had imbalanced roles, that she wasn't quite as attractive anymore, that they were – not that a lack of intimacy meant distance – but –

She shook her head a little, forcibly trying to stop her lip from curling, and then flicked her eyes away from the words, watching. The woman was tall – _why were all of the women Han knew so fucking tall? _– and blonde, as had been duly pointed out – built like a supermodel and dressed like – well, wasn't she cold? _Surely she was cold_ – Leia felt prudish even thinking it, but the criticism came unbidden.

Han seemed to be standing unnecessarily close to this – _woman._ He certainly was smiling his charming, roguish smile, though Leia suddenly decided it looked obnoxious and – and – the word _sleazy_ crept into her mind, and with it, tears burned her eyes, and she felt awkward, and nauseous. She was annoyed at herself for the reaction, and still inexplicably irate at the image before her, of Han striding around those – old stomping grounds, in full view of the Media, laughing – _why was he laughing so hard? _– with some – some -!

Leia managed to stop herself before she came up with an unfair and unwarranted feminine slur. She didn't even know who the hell this woman was, and Han was beyond reproach, anyway – he would never – and even if he did, he wasn't stupid enough to do so in public –

Now Blonde was touching Han, and Leia felt a burst of aching jealousy, which pissed her off as much as it shocked her. She turned her head and put one hand to her temple, rubbing hard again – she remembered, abruptly, the other thing Han had been up to today – "_Yeah, after Carlist, I said I'd meet up with an_ _old friend_, _might get home when you do…"_

Leia had barely heard that comment, thinking nothing of it, and now, suddenly, though she felt it was beyond her character, she found herself wanting to raise him on the comm immediately and demand to know why he hadn't mentioned that his old friend was _six sith-be-damned feet of blonde sexuality._

She resisted the urge to cry, and then, outraged at the urge, resisted a second urge to kick her waste bin over and scatter the office with all the detritus it contained. She put a hand to her eye and dug her teeth into her lip.

The possibility of getting anything done, for the rest of the afternoon, shattered, and Leia held the heel of her hand to her eye stubbornly, gritting her teeth, struggling to cope with such irrational emotions, dwelling, once again, on the maddening complexities of discovering who she was now that _mother_ was part of the composite.

More than anything, it was the jab about the seven-year-itch that bowled her over, and left her both seething, and hurting.

* * *

Han was, in fact, home later than her that evening – which Leia tried not to view as an absolute betrayal. He had, after all, specifically said that he might be, and he wasn't actually _late_ by even conservative standards, he simply got home around the time working people got home. It had already been agreed upon that Han would be the one picking Jaina up from Bail, so Leia hadn't seen fit to change that, though when he did finally walk in the door, baby in tow, she'd had time to grow increasingly irritated – both by the images she kept dwelling on, and by the fact that she wanted to see her baby.

It did not exactly help that Han's first words upon walking through the door and into the sitting room were –

"Don't be mad at me, Sweetheart."

Leia lifted her eyes above the thin datafile she was reading, her expression narrowing immediately. The holo in front of her flickered silently.A grid of four displayed, each quadrant showing a different news station – all of which she had muted. Next to her, Zozy thumped his feathery tail excitedly, but he did not leap down to greet Han. Somehow, he'd learned not to go charging at people when they were holding Jaina.

Leia glared at him – how did he know she was mad? She didn't even know why she was so pissed off! – and was doubly irritated to find he had a charming, lopsided smile on his face.

She didn't say anything for a moment, waiting for him to reveal his reasoning – something, at least, kept her from jumping directly down his throat. He lifted his arm with a flourish and placed Jaina's baby carrier on the kaf table, smoothly clicking the button that bid the protective covering to glide back into its little crevices on either side.

Leia glanced down at the baby and forgot the other things she was currently stewing over. She grimaced a little, then sighed tiredly, and lowered her reading materials. There was Jaina, all strapped in and snuggled up securely, her tiny thumb in her mouth, _sleeping_ away.

Han folded his arms sheepishly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"I was tryin' to keep her awake," he insisted. "I played music and kept talkin' and everything, but she was just _out_ – you know how she is in the speeder," he reminded her.

"Yes, I know," Leia agreed curtly.

It wasn't ideal that Jaina was sleeping away at dinnertime. Best-case scenario, she'd wake up soon, and they could still _sort of_ get her to go back to sleep roughly aligned with the schedule they were trying to keep her on. For sleep 'training' purposes, Leia wanted her on that schedule, but she wasn't militant enough about it to deliberately wake up a sleeping baby.

Leia chewed on the inside of her lip.

"From what I can tell, she was awake all day," she said shortly. "I'm not sure she napped. She may have been stressed to be somewhere unfamiliar all day without one of us around."

"Bail said she did real good," Han said. He stepped forward and gave Zozy a few pats on the head; Zozy flopped onto his side and stuck his feet in the air, thrilled. Han scratched his stomach, and then stepped back.

Leia sniffed.

"She was fussy. I could feel it. She gave me a headache most of the afternoon."

Han seemed to sense the tension in her tone, and tilted his head. He rubbed his jaw slowly.

"Well, what d'you want to do?" he asked. "Leave her?" he gestured at the carrier.

Leia chewed on her lip, thinking about it.

"You need to nurse?" Han asked.

Leia shook her head.

"I pumped," she retorted. "You were on the later side."

Han tilted his head at her. She realized how accusatory she sounded, and cleared her throat, moving on.

"Try putting her in the crib," she suggested. "If that wakes her up, then we're back on track. If it doesn't, well," Leia trailed off, sighing again. She set her reading down on her lap, and frowned. "Then I guess you can get up with her," she decided. "There are plenty of bottles."

Han ran a hand through his hair.

"Yeah," he said carefully. "I've never had a problem getting up with her, so," he said pointedly, trailing off himself.

"So what?" Leia prompted.

"So," Han said, getting tense. He shrugged. "_So_, that's what we'll do," he said.

"Fine," Leia agreed curtly.

Han gave her an incredulous look.

"Are you okay, Leia?" he asked, though he was a bit snippy about it, she thought, and that earned him a rather cold glare.

A little voice in her head warned her, warily, not to say _fine_ in that curt, obnoxious tone again, but for some reason, she ignored it, and answered:

"I'm fine."

Han narrowed his eyes, skeptical.

"Yeah," he snorted. "Right. I'll go tuck Jaina in," he said, "then you can tell me who pissed you off today."

He slipped his hand under the handle of Jaina's carrier and easily looped it into the crook of his elbow, turning to carry her upstairs. Leia glared at the swift motion – she was a fairly strong person for her size and stature, but she couldn't carry Jaina's seat with that much ease anymore. It was better for her shoulders if she tackled it with two arms, and for some reason, just now, Han's ability to do it with such little exertion and finesse was annoying. Just as everything else about him was glaringly annoying right now, no matter how irrational it was.

She turned her head slightly, listening to him go up the stairs. She tapped her fingers on her file, and then turned her head, looking down at Zozy. His tongue popped out of his mouth comically, and he twitched his ears at her happily – which of course, made her realize she hadn't fed him.

She clicked her tongue at him softly and got up, abandoning her reading on the table. Zozy scrambled up, launched himself onto the floor, and dashed into the kitchen, excited at the prospect of dinner. Before she turned the holo off, Leia glanced at it one last time, noting that two of the four news stations were commenting on the images of Han with the tall blonde – it was absolutely ridiculous for any human woman to be _that_ tall, Leia grumbled - and one of the Media personalities even had a smug smile on her pert little face.

Leia blinked, and the electronics dimmed. She grit her teeth, and marched into the kitchen after Zozy, grabbing his dish from the counter and a jar of his food from the cabinet. He sat at her feet as she fixed his dinner; his little claws tip-tapping happily, and his tail swooshing. When she turned to hold the bowl out to him, he let out a delighted chirp.

"Sit," Leia ordered, and Zozy complied. "Wait," she commanded, setting the bowl down gently – it was a wooden bowl, carved by Chewie, with Zozy's name etched into it. Zozy waited, his whole body quivering. "Okay," Leia said, and he hopped forward to devour the food.

Leia crossed her arms, watching him for a moment, and then stepped away. She pulled a stemless glass from a different cabinet, found a mostly empty bottle of wine in the icebox, and poured out the last of it, giving it a sniff to make sure it hadn't soured. It wasn't at its _best_, but there was no use in wasting it.

She took a sip, thinking – _oh, he wants to know who pissed me off today?_ And then she grit her teeth, and seethed at both him, and herself, because on some level she knew she was being ridiculous – but then again, sometimes it was exhausting being utterly trusting and laid back and logical – but then again (_again_), she thought – she truly _did_ trust Han, so her reaction to this was out of control – there wasn't even a '_this'_ – and since when had she let the Media dictate –?

"She stayed asleep," Han lamented dramatically, his voice booming into her private soliloquy.

Leia nearly jumped out of her skin. Preoccupied, she hadn't heard him on the stairs, and Zozy hadn't reacted, absorbed in his food as he was. She turned her head sharply, and Han had a look of alarm on his face, obviously mortified that he'd startled her so badly.

He paused, glancing down at his feet – he still had his boots on, so he seemed perturbed he'd been able to sneak up on her at all. Leia tried to force herself to relax her shoulders, and shrugged, blowing it off.

"I was lost in thought," she said stiffly. She buried her nose in the wine glass. "She stayed a sleep," she repeated. "Wonderful," she muttered sarcastically.

That had been their last hope – Jaina usually did wake up, and wake up with a _vengeance_, when someone tried to transfer her from place to place in her sleep.

"I suppose the world is just upside down today," Leia grumbled, taking another sip.

"Hmm," Han grunted. He eyed her warily. "You eaten yet?"

"When would I have eaten, Han? I was waiting to see what you wanted to do for dinner," she answered.

"Oh. You shoulda told me. I haven't eaten," he said, shrugging. "I could whip somethin' up, like soup, or I could order – "

"You didn't eat with your old friend?" Leia interrupted, before she could stop herself.

She winced, groaned internally, and then decided she was going to commit to it. Perhaps that would make her feel better. Perhaps –

"What?" Han asked, scrunching up his nose. "Who?"

Leia curled her hand in towards her chest, swirling the wine.

"Your old friend," she reiterated crisply. "The one you said you might meet up with. You did end up meeting with her, didn't you?"

Han immediately noticed the slight emphasis on the '_her'_, and cocked his head.

"Uhh, yeah," he said. "That was a business meeting."

Leia didn't respond. She arched a brow at him coolly. Han stared at her.

"You're talkin' about Delorah, right?" he asked cautiously.

"Is that the name of the very tall, very blonde, very thin woman you were speaking with in the smuggler's bunks?" Leia asked. "The one with the painted on skirt who is all over the Holos with you?"

Han blinked.

"I mean," he started, shrugging. "Yeah, Delorah's blonde. She used to smuggle mining goods to blockaded planets, under the Empire," he went on slowly. "Coal and stuff. Not even drugs like me. Mostly," he snorted. "_Sometimes_ drugs."

When Leia said nothing, Han frowned.

"What do you mean, all over the Holos?"

"There are images of you laughing with this 'Delorah,' standing around, standing very _close_," Leia listed.

Han groaned.

''Course there are," he said. "There's all was bantha shit like that. Everyone wishes I was unfaithful," he muttered, crouching down – Zozy had finished, and trotted over to Han in hopes of some more pets.

Han obliged, grinning at the little guy. He looked up, brow furrowed.

"_That's_ why you're so pissed?" he asked, scoffing. "C'mon," he dismissed. "You don't get like that," he said, looking back down at Zozy.

Leia flared with indignation – like _what_? She didn't get insecure, protective, _jealous_? She wasn't territorial; she wasn't high maintenance? Did Han think he could do whatever he wanted –?

"You didn't mention that your old friend was a woman, and that she looked like _that_," Leia said.

"Like what?" Han said curtly. He stopped petting Zozy, and looked up at her tensely. When she didn't elaborate, he stood back up, crossing his arms. "Blonde?" he asked. "Tall?" he pressed.

Leia rolled her head to the side, looking at him through her lashes.

"Don't act stupid," she said quietly.

Han shook his head.

"'M not actin' stupid," he retorted. "I said I was maybe gonna meet up with an old friend, and I did, and I didn't say she was a tall blonde lady 'cause that would be a weird thing to bring up, y'know, since I don't give a fuck what she looks like."

Leia shifted towards him.

"She wasn't even sure if she was still gonna be on Coruscant. It was a fluke thing, but she wanted – "

"What did she want, Han? To see if all the rumors about your reform were true?" Leia asked.

Han looked at her like she'd grown a second head. Leia took a sip of wine, staring at the liquid, wondering why she seemed unwilling to put a stop to this insane line of questioning, and wondering why this insecurity was so consuming, suddenly, when it previously hadn't existed – it was just eating at her, for some reason, the image of him with that gorgeous woman, who was probably childless, and certainly not nursing, and overtired, and hormonal, and ten different kinds of complicated, and –

"Did you sleep with her?" she asked, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop them. She had to know, suddenly, she just – couldn't stop herself.

Han laughed. He then seemed to notice that Leia was stone cold serious, and he hesitated, reaching up to scratch his nose, out of his element completely.

"Did I…? _What_?" He asked, bewildered. His expression darkened. "No, Leia, I didn't – are you _serious_?"

"I don't mean now. I mean before me," she said coolly – she waved her hand slightly; of course she didn't mean now; she was still entirely rational enough to know he'd never even considered being unfaithful to her _now_.

Han stared at her.

"No," he said flatly.

"Are you lying?" she blurted.

He blinked, incredulous, and shook his head in disbelief.

"No," he said again. "I wasn't her type."

Leia set aside her glass with a flourish, rolling her eyes.

"You are every woman's type," she snarled, and Han almost laughed again. It was such a vicious, absurd..._compliment_? – but she was so clearly infuriated, _agitated_, and he felt that laughing again would dig him an even deeper hole than he was – apparently – already in.

"Well, m'not her type. She likes women."

Leia turned away from him, a pinched look on her face. Han frowned.

"What's going on?" he asked. "Why're you acting like this?"

After he said it, he figured it probably wasn't the best phrasing; she was obviously on a hair trigger and in the mood for squabbling, but she didn't react to it at all. Instead, she ignored him. Han rubbed his temples hard, gritting his teeth. He had...virtually no experience with Leia and jealousy. She had never, _ever_ been like this - not even before they were married, before they had an _entire_ kid of their own! Irritation bristled in his chest, and spilled over.

"Look at me, Leia," he snapped. "What's your problem?"

She paused, tilted her head back, and stared at the ceiling. The anxiety that underscored his irritation cut to the core, and her emotions bubbled inside her violently; she took a step outside herself, saw she was being fairly unreasonable, and wanted nothing more than to get away and try to cope with this alone.

She stood stock-still, and then turned, wiped her eyes, and took a deep breath.

"I don't know," she admitted tersely. "I don't think I need to talk to you right now."

She took a curt step to the side and headed out of the kitchen, pushing her hair back from her face tensely.

"Give me, like, I don't know. Half an hour," she called behind her.

He detected a roughness in her voice, like she was trying not to cry, and he leaned back against a counter, dumbfounded, his arms hanging limply at his sides. He reached up to scrub his hands over his face, genuinely astounded – she didn't _need_ to talk to him, or didn't _want_ to - ? What did that - ?

He thought he heard Jaina start to fuss, and then a moment later, when she started wailing, he sighed.

"I've got her," Leia called distantly, and Han folded his arms, leaning back against the kitchen counter heavily.

He stared at Leia's mostly empty glass, and then picked it up and downed the dregs, grimacing at the stale taste of it. Zozy gave a quiet chirp, and Han looked down, almost feeling as if the little guy was reproaching him for taking the rest of Leia's drink – but Han just shared a gloomy look with Zozy, lifting his shoulders tiredly – and then he fixed his eyes on the Chrono above the stove, planning on clocking exactly half an hour before he sought to figure out just what the hell he had walked into.

* * *

Jaina's wailing primarily seemed to relate to the fact that she'd fallen asleep in her carrier in the speeder, and woken up staring blearily at her mobile at home. She was ultra sensitive to things like that. Leia had yet to figure out if it was because she was Force sensitive, or if it was just a Jaina thing; she supposed she'd have more to compare Jaina to when her contemporaries started having babies, or when she had more babies of her own.

For now she was mostly winging it, the mothering, and the mothering with the added nuance of the Force.

Even though she was in the throes of her demanding cries, Leia smiled as soon as she laid eyes on Jaina. She picked her up, kissing the top of her head and running her palm soothingly over her. In many ways, going back to work had been as relieving as it was frustrating; it helped her balance her life in difficult but welcome ways – she was always, always so thrilled to see Jaina now, even when the baby was being an absolute terror.

Not that Jaina was cognizant of what it meant to be a terror, or in any way able to actually act like one; she was just a baby expressing need or wants or discomfort in the only way available to her – _crying._ The difference was, when Leia had been home all day every day, utterly locked down on maternity leave, she had moments of sheer despondency and overwhelming frustration, and though of course those moments still existed – she was still human – they were lessened by the fact that Leia had time to actively _miss_ Jaina while she was at work.

Which was why she sometimes agonized over whether Han was getting enough time to himself, since he still stayed at home – and it was likely why she felt such a myriad of sticky things over this, this _thing_ with the blonde – because she was unable to stop these lurking, ghastly imaginings of how Han must be frustrated and bored and unwilling to voice those sentiments because he was always so concerned about Leia, and he always sacrificed for _Leia_, and surely that would get to him eventually and this would _all_ fall apart –

Leia shook her head sharply, biting her lip hard, as if that would shatter the thoughts themselves. She held Jaina against her shoulder and sat down in the rocking chair, murmuring to soothe both herself, and the baby.

Her relationship wasn't going to fall apart. It was solid. She _knew_ that. There were just – every new phase, every new leap, in a relationship had an adjustment phase, and new challenges might crop up, and while she knew how deeply unbreakable her bond with Han was, Jaina was a new thing, being a couple with a baby was a new _thing,_ and their relationship was – altered.

And Han hadn't mentioned it _at all._ That's what was starting to burrow deep in her soul and make her paranoid – he was so supportive, and such a good partner in all this, yet it seemed unbelievable that he could not notice – _completely fail to mention_ – that it had been _well_ beyond six weeks at this point and they weren't having sex.

She didn't want to be hassled and pressured, but now that she'd gone back to work, felt like herself in that respect, now that she'd gotten past all the shock-and-awe of childbirth, well healed from most of it, and banished the rawest parts of it with serotonin and other of nature's feel-good blessings – all those things sent to ensure women were forgetful enough about the worst to want to do it again – she was starting to grow restless, and to wonder.

_Was_ he just being good, or was the interest lacking? She was different. She didn't look the same. She knew Han wasn't fixated on looks, but – it wasn't just looks, her body was different, and her mind had a new layer to it, one that was Jaina-this, and Jaina-that, and Han had been there when Jaina was born, not up by her shoulder, like some women jokingly recommended – he'd seen _everything._

Had she damned them to being one of those couples that never had sex again, after the baby? Were those couples myths?

Jaina babbled sleepily at Leia's shoulder, and Leia shifted, gently transferring the baby to the cradle of her arms. Jaina had vibrant, brown eyes that seemed to darken every day – she had Han's nose, and Leia's look of indignant frustration when she was upset with something. Right now she only looked mildly inconvenienced, though she mellowed out quickly when she was able to look up at Leia.

Leia smiled at her, and gently massaged her stomach, using one foot to ever so slightly rock the chair.

"You may go back to sleep if you promise to sleep all night," Leia told her.

Jaina kicked her feet.

"Yes, I thought as much," Leia murmured. "Well, then, how about a bath, and then supper, and then we can hang out for a little while before we really go to bed?"

Jaina twisted, flinging her arm up at Leia, small fingers grasping. Leia bet forward to let Jaina grab her nose, and Jaina snickered, a smile emerging on her lips.

"We can let you on the floor with Zozy to scandalize Ro-Ro," she whispered.

Jaina swatted her nose, and then clawed at it, and Leia pulled back, grimacing. Babies really did have some dangerous fingernails, something she hadn't quite expected. She made a note to file them down a bit later. The pediatrician recommended filing rather than cutting, just for the parents' peace of mind.

Leia took Jaina's hand and splayed out her tiny fingers gently. She kissed the baby's palm and stood up, carrying her down the hall into the 'fresher. She and Han had recently moved Jaina's contained baby bath into the 'fresher tub, so that when she could sit up and was old enough, they'd have an easier transition to giving her a bath in there. Leia started to kneel down, hesitated, thought better of it, and got back up.

She left the nursery, going down the hall, and pausing at the top of the stairs, listening for Han. She'd given herself a moment, and she'd calmed down a little, and she thought she was back in control of herself – in which case it might be best if she re-initiate contact. She took a deep breath, took a few steps, and then realized she could hear him in their bedroom.

She turned and went in there, knocking softly against the door as she did to warn him. He looked up from the bed, where he was sitting as he secured a trigger lock around his blaster and placed it in a safe in the bedside table. Both locks were fingerprint activated, which added security, and ensured he was able to easily access it for protection if he needed to.

He held her gaze for a moment, slid the drawer closed, and then looked back at her, his hands folded in his lap. He'd taken off his boots and his vest, and loosened and untucked his shirt, and he stared at her, barefoot and waiting pointedly.

"I'm going to give her a bath," Leia said.

Han nodded.

"You want me to figure out somethin' for dinner?" he asked, so cordially Leia almost cringed.

She shook here head.

"No, I'd like you to give her a bath with me," she said. "If you're okay with that."

"Are _you?"_ Han asked fairly. "You might have to talk to me."

Leia gave him a faint, rueful smile. She noticed the fire in her seemed to have died, and now she just felt a little dejected, a little sheepish and…lonely; perhaps even needy. She lifted one shoulder.

"At this point, I think I need to," she noted, a complete contradiction from her earlier statement.

Han got up, rolling up his sleeves to the elbow. He came closer, cupped his hand around Jaina's head, and eyed Leia seriously.

"Which is it, huh?" he coaxed gently. "You don't need to talk to me, or you do?"

She blinked slowly.

"I was being irrational," she said. "I _needed_ to shut up before I said anything else ridiculous," she pointed out. "Now I _need_ to account for that…tirade."

"Lookin' at me ain't gonna set you off again?" Han asked warily.

Leia sighed.

"Han, I," she began, frustrated.

He nodded, leaning forward and giving her a quick kiss at the temple.

"I'm listenin," he assured her, and nudged her shoulder, indicating he'd follow her down to the nursery 'fresher.

Leia led the way, and handed Jaina to him as they stepped inside. She knelt to begin running the water, and Han went about peeling clothes off the baby, wrapping her instead in a plush towel complete with a hood that little ears popped out of. Jaina babbled and cooed contently throughout the process, while Leia ran her fingers under the faucet with careful determination.

She turned, and Han held Jaina up, making her dance in mid-air, with the hood of the animal tower falling down over her eyes. Jaina grinned widely, her eyes hidden by the towel, and Leia smiled. Han drew her closer and kissed her cheeks, pulling the towel down.

"I can't wait until she talks," he said proudly.

"Hmm," Leia murmured. "Even if she runs her mouth like me?"

"'Specially if she's like you," Han retorted stubbornly.

He winked at her.

"Oh, don't be so forgiving," Leia sighed wryly.

Han let Jaina slump over his arm, and then slid down, sitting on the floor with his back to the wall. He leaned Jaina up against his knees, settling her safely, and then gave Leia a sideways look.

"Why don't you tell me what was really wrong, and I'll decide if I forgive you?" he joked.

Leia blew air out through her nose softly.

"This water takes so long to heat up," she grumbled.

"Leia."

She flushed.

"You want to talk later?" Han offered. "Y'know when we can just…I mean with her in the bath, we kinda gotta keep eyes on her."

"Yes," Leia agreed softly, swirling her hand in the bath water. "I think I'd rather that. This is a little…humiliating, to be honest," she muttered.

"You got jealous," Han said bluntly.

Leia shrugged.

"Clearly," she agreed.

She turned, sitting on her knees, and gestured for Jaina. Han slipped the towel off of her, and Leia turned to dip one of Jaina's feet in the water. Jaina splashed, vocalizing happily, so Leia gently placed her in the infant bath, sitting her up against the back. She handed her a rubber toy, and Jaina promptly placed it at her mouth, gnawing on it.

Han hung his hands over his knees.

"Well," he said dryly. "I was never _with_ Delorah, like I said," he told her. "She likes women. I was actually gonna introduce her to Evaan," he snorted. "And I was just meetin' with her today 'cause she's tryin' to go legit. She wanted some good contacts. Thought maybe I knew a lawyer who could help her with some of her Imperial charges."

"Imperial charges are voided and dismissed now," Leia said, taking a cloth to Jaina's face. "I doubt anything she did that pissed them off is something we prosecute."

"Yeah, don't think that's really the uh, core of what you and I are talkin' about here," Han said dryly.

Leia smiled to herself.

"What got under your skin, Leia?" Han asked. "'M not tryin' to belittle you or anything. S'just…you usually don't," he trailed off.

"Distrust you? Shriek like a harpy?" Leia supplied.

Han wisely stayed quiet.

She sighed.

"I was already feeling just…drenched in guilt. Jaina had been fussy; she was with Father, I was thinking about things, and then I see this image of you and this…knock-out on the Holo, and the Media has their…commentary," she grit her teeth. "It all just hit wrong. At the wrong time."

"You never listen to their gossipy _junk_," he said tensely. "Hell, you're always tellin' me to ignore it!"

"I know," she said irritably. "I'm angry I let it get to me, I'm angry I accosted you like that, and I'm just…it dug at a sore spot, okay? It got to me. I'm not _invulnerable_."

Han watched her quietly, pressing his knuckles together.

"What sore spot?" he asked softly.

Leia swallowed hard, focusing very intently on rinsing the thinnest little bit of shampoo out of Jaina's hair. Han handed her a small dry cloth to press over Jaina's face, and waited patiently. The only sound between them was the gentle slosh of the water, and Jaina's unique, quiet murmuring to herself.

Leia put the dry cloth aside and used the other one to gently clean Jaina. Han let his head fall back against the wall.

"Why don't you want to look at me?" he asked.

"I told you," Leia said under her breath. "This is hum – "

"What's humiliating?" Han asked, bewildered. "What could possibly be that bad? I," he shook his head, gesturing at Jaina. "I pulled a baby out of you!"

She paused, and Han groaned, banging his head on the wall.

"I don't mean _that_ was humiliating, I mean I just don't think there's any secrets, or anything, between us, so what – "

"That," Leia said, "she," she said, lifting Jaina out of the tub, "is the issue."

She held out her hand, and Han handed her the towel again – it was a quick, no-nonsense little rinse for Jaina, and she seemed annoyed at that; she generally liked baths, and at being taken out of it abruptly, she flung her rubber toy across the room.

"_Jaina_?" Han asked, incredulous.

"Not her," Leia said, turning to sit heavily on her backside, stretching one leg out in front of her. _"Me,_ since her. The general…I just," she trailed off, snuggling Jaina up protectively, patting the soft little ears on her towel's hood. "The sight of you with some gorgeous woman who hasn't been preoccupied with – nursing, and the new baby, and _work,_ and who doesn't have…stretch marks, or chapped nipples," Leia lifted her head, staring up, anywhere but at Han. "It got to me, Han," she admitted again, hoarsely. "It just _got_ to me."

He swallowed hard, staring at her. Jaina's hair dripped onto her towel and then over it onto Leia's arms. Though she'd gone to work today, Leia had put on minimal makeup, and her hair was done very simply, and the clothing she wore was loose fitting, which he noticed more sharply now that she seemed to be insecure about it.

"I don't feel very attractive anymore, _ever_," she said, "and I know I've been a little wary, and prudish, and we've been getting used to this, but it's starting to…to scare me that we aren't…we don't have sex anymore."

Jaina stared at Han blithely over Leia's arm, sucking on the hem of her blanket. He blinked at her, and then shook his head a little, staring at Leia's upturned face, trying to catch her eye.

"Well," he began, taken aback. "But, that's…but you've been…healing," he said, brow furrowing. "We had to wait – "

"It's been months," Leia interrupted, finally looking at him. "I know I wasn't ready _right_ at six weeks, and I know things have been kind of a tired, hazy blur but it feels like you aren't interested! You haven't _mentioned_ it, you don't even make suggestive comments – I don't know what it's going to be like for _me_ after," she gestured wildly, "having her," she said, "but I – "

"I didn't want to put any pressure on you, Leia!" Han said, exasperated. "Kriff, you just had a _baby,_ the last thing I wanted to do was make you feel like you had to get right back, uh," he suddenly seemed to struggle for a euphemism that wasn't horribly vulgar, "I dunno, on me," he settled on, gesturing to his hips.

Leia snorted shakily.

Han pointed to himself.

"You're more than welcome to come on to me, you know," he pointed out, a look of terror flitting across his face. "Don't you dare go around thinking I don't want you. Don't you _dare_," he said fiercely. He nearly choked on a desperate laugh. "Not interested? Leia," he covered his face. "I didn't used to take _forty-five_ minute 'freshers!" he pointed out vaguely. "What do you _think_ I've been doing in there?"

"You could be thinking about anyone when you're touching yourself," she pointed out.

"Well, I'm _not,"_ Han said dryly. "I'm thinkin' about you – will you cover her ears?" he asked, pointing at the baby.

"She doesn't understand," Leia said though, because she thought it was cute, she used her arm to prop up Jaina, and gently pressed her palms to her ears. Jaina twisted her head suspiciously, letting the towel fall out of her mouth.

"You can't put this all on me," Han pleaded. "I thought I was doin' the right thing and leaving it up to _you_!"

Leia bit her lip, her eyes filling with tears.

"You were, I _know_ that, I know what you were thinking, and I…I love that you are the way you are, I think I just assumed it would be more that - you'd try, and I turn you down, and then one night I wouldn't. I'm having hard time initiating anything when I feel so, so – "

"So _what_?"

"Unattractive!"

"You have _never_ been more attractive to me."

"Han," she growled. "You said it yourself – you pulled a baby out of me. You've seen what this has done to my body – you _know_ it's a mess, you know half the time all I can think about is Jaina, I mean – "

She gestured wildly at herself – huddled on the floor, supporting a damp Jaina, she herself damp, her hair frizzing, make-up smudged, and she gave Han such a skeptical look, shaking her head.

"You're saying _this_ is the most attractive I've ever been and you expect me to _believe it_?"

Han shrugged roughly.

"You don't have to believe it, but _that's what I said_," he retorted boldly. "It doesn't matter how you look, or what's a mess, or what's going on," he held up his hands, "you are my Leia," he growled, moving his hands around for emphasis, "you are the woman I want, and I love, and you had," he gestured at Jaina, "my baby. _Mine_. Ours," he corrected.

He shook his head and let his hands fall.

"You _gotta_ believe that everything about Jaina, including whatever you think it did to your body, only adds to things. It _adds_ to how I feel. It doesn't take away. _Ever_."

Leia rested her chin lightly on Jaina's head. She tilted it to the side, swallowing hard.

"Sometimes," she whispered, "I think I shouldn't even be so fixated on how badly I want to have sex because it takes my mind off of Jaina."

"Well, that's just stupid," Han said bluntly.

Leia raised her eyebrows. He shrugged.

"How the hell are we going to have more babies if we don't have sex?" he demanded.

She laughed huskily at that, flushing. She lifted one shoulder to tacitly concede his point.

"Look," Han said. "I don't know anything about the kind of pressure you're under when it comes to…to people judging how you are as a mother, or how you should act, or any of that stuff that's…that's all specific to women," he said. "But I got plenty of anxiety about how I'm doin' as a father, and I _still_ spend a good amount of time every morning fantasizing about you so whenever you're ready, sweetheart," he held out his arms dramatically, "_jump me_."

Leia lifted her head. She smoothed her palm over Jaina's head, and Jaina tilted her head up, grumbling at Leia intently.

"What about tonight?" she asked, an edge to her voice.

Han's mouth opened slightly.

"Tonight?" he asked, his voice going up. "What about…tonight?" he repeated, almost dumbly.

Leia shifted, slipping her arm under Jaina's legs, and making her a little seat. Jaina kicked her feat, flopped her head back, and stared up at Leia's cheek, fascinated with the new angle.

"Do you want to have sex tonight?" Leia asked.

Han sat forward, squeezing his hand around his knees. He stared at her over his knees, quite forgetting that there was a baby in the room, and he was usually a prude about that, because everything in his brain immediately stopped working and keyed in on two words that were suddenly the most important two words he'd ever heard in his entire life: _sex, tonight._

"'_Course I want to have sex tonight_," he hissed, the tone of his voice so pained, so comical, that Leia was unable to keep from smirking at him, unable to keep from relaxing at the unabashed glint of desire that suddenly exploded in his eyes.

He swallowed hard.

"S'just – y'know – if you want to. I want you to be able to get into it," he said gruffly. "I know you can't stop worryin' about Jainy, even if it's in the back of your mind, but I don't want you to have to get up – or me – 'cause – "

"We want to focus on each other," Leia supplied softly.

Han nodded.

She took a deep breath.

"I have plenty of bottles stored," she reminded him. "If I nurse her right before we put her back down, I think we can avoid too much of an issue…with my breasts…misbehaving," she mumbled, "and we could ask Chewy to tend to her for a few hours, unless there's an emergency."

Han tilted his head.

"Your father offered to keep her over night, when I picked her up."

"Yes, he said the same to me, but I don't think I'm comfortable with her staying the night with someone else yet," Leia said firmly. "I need her here."

"Why Chewie?"

"Because Chewie was with us on the _Falcon_, on the way to Bespin," Leia said shortly, "And I'm quite good at pretending he's not there. If you'd really prefer my father – "

"No, nope, _no_, I'll ask Chewie," Han said hastily.

Leia nodded pointedly. She took another deep breath.

"Well, um," she began. "I think that will work."

Han nodded fervently, and there they sat on the floor of the nursery 'fresher, Jaina blithely unaware between them, staring at each other – that is, until Jaina let out an inhuman shriek, and made it known that she was cold, and would rather like to be placed in some warm pajamas, and perhaps snuggled afterwards.

Leia and Han both jumped, and Leia scrambled to here feet, reaching down give Han a hand up. He shook his head smoothly, pressing his knees together.

"'M gonna sit here for a minute," he said gruffly.

Leia arched a brow.

"Really? Just from talking about it?" she asked, eyeing his groin.

Han let his head fall heavily back against the wall, a longing expression on his face.

"You wait until I get my hands on you again, Your Worship," he promised.

Leia pressed Jaina to her chest, cradling her head. She bit her lip, and then bowed out of the room, giving him his moment. As she carried Jaina over to the changing table to put her into nightclothes, there was a significant lightness to her step, a looseness to her back and shoulders – her nerves weren't gone, and neither were some of the insecurities she was sure were bound to pop up again later night, but at least something in the air had been cleared – and something was there to be reclaimed.

* * *

The evening passed with an almost mystic sense of nerves and anticipation. It did not particularly help that Jaina – naturally – did not want to go to bed as early as usual, given her impromptu evening nap. The later she was up the more, Leia sensed, Han worried that he or Leia would fall asleep before the agreed upon event could commence, which was as disastrous a thing as he could imagine.

Leia did not have any particular qualms about leaving Jaina's care to Chewie, certainly not when they'd all be in the same home, but she was utterly more at peace about it when Chewie came up, beaming, and informed her that there was no greater honor for a Wookiee than to be entrusted with the care of someone else's cub – in fact he went on about it so much that Leia was fairly convinced they might have to pry Jaina away from him in the morning.

The only reminder she had to give him was to be careful with Jaina when it came to snuggling her into his fur. She was still being put to sleep on her back for safety reasons, and unlike Wookiee young, she wouldn't necessarily automatically turn her head or wake up if something obstructed her breathing in her sleep. She didn't think he _really_ needed the reminder, though; it just made her feel better.

There was a carefulness to every action they took as the evening went on: sorting out supper, playing with Jaina, taking Zozy out – all the usual things seemed unusual due to the knowledge that when it was all settled down and done and the baby put to sleep and Zozy cozily curled up in his rocking chair, they were going to lock themselves in the bedroom and have sex.

Which really should not be such an ordeal for two people who had been married for an established amount of time now – and had been sleeping together long before that – and yet it _was_ an ordeal, and it seemed frighteningly reminiscent of the early days – at least to Leia.

She wasn't sure about Han, but she had known for a fact, the moment they were trapped on the way to Bespin, that at some point she was going to sleep with him; she'd seen it as finally inevitable, she'd just had to work through some things and up to it. Maybe Han had thought it was a completely unexpected miracle.

Whatever he'd felt then, for her, _this_ felt like _then_, though this time she had so many years of knowledge, trust, and love to fall back on if things went awkwardly. Though to be fair, even when things had gone awkwardly that first time, it hadn't put an end to things, and it certainly had not ruined it for her.

Still, she felt anxious right down to her fingertips as she lingered in their 'fresher much later, when the house was quiet, and Jaina was tucked in and mired in a REM cycle – Leia could sense it – and all was calm, and she and Han were alone.

She sensed him pacing around in their bedroom while she got ready, and she poked at her cheeks in the mirror, nudging the skin to make some colour bloom in them. She always paled when she was nervous, and she didn't like the pallor it gave her. She didn't _want_ to be nervous, but she supposed she couldn't help that – she felt like a timid new bride, about to be subjected to a deflowering, which did not actually describe her own wedding night at all, and made her smile a bit ruefully.

_Well_, she thought, _if Rouge had her way,_ _this is how my wedding night should have gone. _

"Leia," Han growled softly, his mouth against the crack she'd left between the door and the frame. "You don't need to 'get ready,'" he told her – _again_. "I need to remind you that anything sexy you put on, I'm takin' _off_?"

Leia smiled. She bowed her head, rinsed her mouth out with mint wash, and examined her appearance briefly again – she wasn't getting ready; not in the glamorous sense. She'd removed her make-up, neatened up her hair with a brush, showered, and dressed for bed. This was more about mental preparation than anything else – she had _physical_ concerns, after all, along with everything else. She didn't buy into the grotesque, erroneous male belief that she'd somehow have loosened up and become sensationless, but she did worry it would hurt her.

She waved the light off and opened the door, leaning in the doorway. She crossed her ankles. Her nighttime attire was nothing more than a loose, dark red shirt that slouched off the shoulder; Han was right in respect to lingerie; why wear it? It got in the way. She started to cross her arms across her chest, but Han gently pushed them down. He slid his hand around her waist and pulled her closer, drawing her up against him.

"Why're you wearing anything at all?" he asked.

She plucked pointedly at the hem of his trousers pointedly, and he smirked, unbuckling them and stepping out of them.

"Can we take this slow, Han?" Leia murmured.

Han cupped her cheek. He nodded, and then let his hand fall to her shoulder, bent slightly at the knee, and swept her up, turning boldly and carrying her over to deposit her on the bed. He'd already unmade it, and Leia laughed, rolling over towards the middle. He dropped down next to her and turned to his side, reaching out.

Leia slid one hand into his and leaned in to kiss him, squeezing his palm tightly. He nails dug into his wrist, and he drew back a little, searching her expression.

"You good?" he asked. "Somethin' wrong?"

Leia twitched her nose. She shook her head, then sighed quietly.

"I don't know how I feel about this," she admitted.

"Is it because I just had a baby?" Han asked, deadpan.

Leia rolled her eyes.

"It's…the _planning_," she murmured. She slid her fingers in amongst his, entwining them. "We, well, we almost…scheduled it," she said, cringing. "I guess that irks me, too. I kept wanting it to just happen, to fall back into our lives and here we had to…plan it."

Han drew her hand closer and kissed her wrist.

"Not always," he said gruffly. "Leia, I had to know you were ready, and you had to tell me," he said, shrugging. "So, we figure out what works now, and we're back to basics."

"You think?" Leia murmured.

"Yeah," he said. "'Cept I guess sometimes she'll interrupt."

Leia made a noise between a laugh and a groan, but nodded – he had it right; that would be life now, and besides; they both knew this first foray into intimacy after the baby needed their full attention if they could give it, so there really had to be some element of planning involved.

"Doesn't meant you gotta think about Chewie while we do this," Han quipped, leaning over to kiss her.

Leia laughed again, letting him press her down into the pillows. She slid her arms around his neck, and pulled his body against hers, and quickly found that for the most part, it all came back to her immediately, as if it hadn't been months upon months since they'd done this. His kiss was the same, his touch was the same, his skin felt the same, pressed hot against hers, and she wanted him just the same – to her, it was suddenly silly that she thought it would be different; the only difference was that Jaina was asleep down the hall.

Han was a little cautious at first, but when he heard no sound of protest from her, he redoubled his affections, shifting over her so he could more thoroughly touch her. His hands were on her hips, on her ribs, on her breasts, and then he had the shirt pushed halfway to her shoulders when she lifted a knee and nudged him.

He drew back, his knees on either side of her thighs, questioning.

"I want to keep this on," she said, her lashes fluttering. She licked her lips, catching her breath – her heart was racing, and she already felt over stimulated; sith it had been a long time.

Han's mouth opened, and he stared at her silently, confused.

"What?" he asked. "Why?"

Leia took the hem from him, letting it fall against her stomach.

"I've seen your breasts since you've been nursing," he pointed out – he'd seen them at the worst, in fact, about a month ago, when Jaina had gone through a phase of troubled nursing, and Leia had almost given up.

"I know, it's not really…aesthetic," she murmured. "I just want to keep it on," she insisted. "In case I…leak."

Han raised an eyebrow, amused. A flicker of disappointment briefly lit his eyes, but he nodded, acquiescing; if that made her more comfortable, fine. He wasn't about to start arguing about specifics; his worst fear at this very moment was that she'd suddenly want to _reschedule_, so to speak.

"Um," she began again, propping herself up on her elbows.

Han rested his palms flat on either side of her, lightly pressing his torso against hers, and tilted his head, listening.

"I think we might want to manage some expectations," she murmured, scraping her lip.

Han kissed her collarbone.

"Such as…?" he drawled. "You think I've lost some skill?"

She touched his hair lightly, and sighed.

"I just mean I want this to be…blissful, and laid back, and not some…determined thing to get it all perfect or right. It's easing back into things, and I'm going to be a little distracted, and possibly sore, and I don't want you to get in your head or frustrated if – "

"Leia," Han breathed, slowly lifting his head. "What are you trying to say…?"

She tilted her head.

"There's no way I'm going to come," she said bluntly.

"Not with _that_ attitude," Han retorted charmingly.

"Han, I'm serious. Don't beat yourself up if you – "

"I'm not going to."

She arched a brow.

"It's been a long time for you, too," she reminded him.

"Yeah, but we ain't gonna just _jump_ into the main event," he said, giving her an indignant look.

He shifted back, and then moved his arms so that they were under her knees, and his chin rested just above her navel. He slid his palms over her thighs suggestively, taking a moment to press all of his fingertips in gently, with just enough pressure to send shivers of anticipation up her spine.

"What kind of man d'you think I am?" he demanded. He dipped his head to kiss her stomach, pressing lighter, feathery kisses all over her ribs, and down to her hipbones. "'Sides, I wouldn't sell yourself short, Sweetheart," he murmured huskily. "You're so starved for touch _this_," he drew his tongue along the top of her thigh in a brazen stripe, "is prob'ly all it takes."

Leia pressed her head back into the bed, her breath catching in her throat. She closed her eyes, and swallowed, fighting a sudden urge to lift her foot, and kick him in the shoulder – not so much to kick him _away_ as to punish him for the effect he had on her. She breathed out quietly.

"Do that again," she requested.

He obliged, this time on the other thigh, and then smugly tapped her shins, glancing up at her.

"You remember where these go," he said – definitely not a question.

Leia rested her legs on his shoulders, and Han settled in. His start was slow, and tantalizing – remarkable restrained, considering how aroused he already was – and he was right; she was oversensitive. His familiar tricks – the things she liked, the things that always worked, were blessed and welcome, and yet felt new all at once, and she was tense for a little while, actively unused to being this close with him in this way – yet it grew easier to relax by the moment, as his tongue hazily erased all her doubts and insecurities and instead she was consumed with the intensity of it.

She twisted her hand in her hair, in the sheets, and in her shirt – and she vaguely gave herself compliments for keeping it on, as it gave her some purchase for her grasping hands. She often tried to avoid grabbing Han, as it threw off his technique, but sometimes she couldn't help it, and Han responded by pressing into her when she did touch him.

Her eyes fluttered; she closed them, and she saw black, and she opened them, and she still saw black, with little bursts of blurry sun, and she arched her back, pushing her hips up to Han's mouth. He wrestled her back down, and that made her dizzy, made her stomach tighten to the breaking point.

"Han," she murmured, slipping her fingers through his hair. "Han, wait, _wait_," she breathed, clawing at his hair lightly.

He paused, drawing back a fraction of an inch, and Leia breathed out hard, digging her heel into his back.

"I need to catch my breath," she murmured.

Han nodded. He tightened his arms around her hips, and went back to kissing her hipbones very lightly; kissing them, and then blowing softly on the kiss-marks, which wasn't doing much to let her catch her breath at all. He kissed her stomach, resting his forehead on her sternum, and licked his lips.

"You okay up there?" he asked casually.

"Mmhm. You can start again."

He grinned, and moved his mouth back down between her legs. Leia twisted her head and ran her hand down over her stomach, pressing her palm into her own skin. She tilted her head back, gasping.

"Oh my…_god_, oh my god, _oh_ my god," she breathed rapidly. She bit her lip and moaned softly, her toes curling – she was getting – a cramp – in her _foot _– yet that was the least of her concerns. "Holy…_fuck_, Han!"

She let here leg drop off of him, trying to flex out the cramp in her foot, and abruptly - gently, she hoped – pushed his head away, lifting his chin up. Her hand shook, and she lifted her head, breathless, nearly in tears.

Han ran his hand over her thigh soothingly, and then cupped his hand over her. He glanced at her, arched an eyebrow, and pressed one finger against her gently, watching her expression – _is this okay?_ Leia nodded, and he cautiously slipped it inside her. Leia relaxed back, twisting her hand in the sheets. She was so aroused she felt no discomfort, which was what she figured Han was testing out. Still catching her breath, she closed her eyes, and after a moment, Han kissed her navel one last time and crawled up next to her, running the edge of the pillowcase discreetly over his mouth.

He traced her jaw with his thumb, and then leaned down to kiss her. Leia kissed him back, pushing herself up lazily, dragging a pillow behind her for support. She pushed her hair back, leaning heavily into him, and rested her head on his chest. His heart raced, and he seemed to be panting, too, though less aggressively than she.

"What were you saying earlier?" Han asked innocently.

Leia nudged his foot with hers, speechless. She hadn't even considered – she'd been so preoccupied with the idea of penetrative sex that she hadn't even been thinking - ! She let her head loll back a little, and fluttered her lashes.

"Don't fall asleep on me now," Han teased, though Leia was fairly sure he might have a stroke if she did, in fact, leave him hanging. He seemed to guess her thoughts, and shrugged. "If you want to be done for now, Leia – "

"Oh, no," she said seriously, her voice hot and husky, "oh no, I don't want to be done. I've missed, I've missed this," her voice caught, "so much more than I," she trailed off, and Han nodded, rubbing her shoulder.

She plucked at her shirt, trying to stop it clinging to her skin. She frowned, blushing – naturally, it _wasn't_ going to stop, because it was absolutely soaking wet, only some of which was sweat. She frowned, chewing her lip, and then sat forward, defeated, and peeled it off, tossing it aside. She leaned back heavily, and felt at least a little smug when she saw the look on Han's face – he certainly looked like his dreams had come true.

"Why'd you change your mind?" he asked, feigning confusion in the most wicked way.

Leia elbowed him sharply.

"You know damn well why," she mumbled. "I should have nursed her _and_ pumped again."

Han flung his arm out after the shirt.

"You're just going to waste it?" he demanded, deadpan. "I can wring it out into a bottle!"

Leia slapped her hand against his ribs, her palm making a satisfying _thump_ sound there. She tried to be outraged with him for such an incongruous joke, but to her chagrin she started to laugh softly – it hadn't actually killed the _mood_ or anything – in fact –

"You're right," she said seriously, pretending to get up. "I'll do that now," she decided.

"You – come back – oh, the _fuck_ you will," Han growled, grabbing her around the waist and snatching her back playfully. "Get back here," he murmured, wrapping her up in his arms and settling her on her back.

He kissed her forehead, and then her lips again.

"I love you," he murmured. He kissed her jaw, and then he throat, and back up to her ear, humming softly. "You taste the same, y'know," he whispered slyly.

Leia writhed in his grip, smacking at him.

"You—are—so—_vulgar_," she hissed at him. "You're _gross."_

Han laughed, a low sound, rumbling through his chest.

"You were the one all worried it wouldn't be the same for me!" he teased.

"Han," Leia murmured, tilting her head back. She touched his cheek lightly. "Don't make fun of me," she requested. "I'm nervous. I _am_ insecure."

He sobered, loosening his grip just a little, for her comfort.

"'M not makin' fun," he said – he had been, but he hadn't meant it, not to be cruel. He breathed out shakily. "I want you _bad_, Leia," he murmured. "I've been climbin' the _walls_. Nothin's changed. Nothin.' You look so good to me," he said, kissing her throat. "_So_ good."

She nodded, letting her hand fall to his shoulder.

"Mmmm," she hummed, shifting against him until she could settle her knees on either side of his hips, sliding down on the bed to account for his height. "No time like the present," she whispered.

Han looked down at her. He paused a moment to bow his head, and rest it gently against her breasts, as if preparing himself to take it slow – _back to basics_, he thought, returning to that mantra, _it's been a while._

He reached down between them to run his fingers over her, to position himself, and he gave her a pointed look.

"You'll stop me if it's no good for you?"

She nodded. She was vigilant about that, given her past hang-ups.

"I'm serious, Leia," he said. "Don't just push through."

"Why don't you try some pushing through?" she retorted primly.

Han smirked a little. He glanced down to make sure he wasn't off his aim, and shifted his hips forward. Leia tensed. He stopped without drawing back, but rested one hand on her stomach lightly.

"Hurts?" he asked.

"No," Leia said slowly. She breathed in and out once, and relaxed, and he pushed forward a little more, only to be met with more resistance. He checked on her again.

"Leia," he started. "Are you sure – "

"I don't think it hurts," she interrupted.

"You don't _think_?"

He started counting gundarks in his head, slow, and methodical, enough to keep him still and concentrated, but not enough to turn him off. He kept his head in a very specific space, concerned about her, but aching, with every fiber of his being, to bury himself inside her.

"I think that I _think_ it's going to hurt," Leia decided. She turned her head. "I keep tensing up," she said softly.

"Easy fix. You on top."

Han started to move, but she seized his shoulder.

"I don't want to."

He started to protest, but a slight look in her eye begged him not to challenge it, and no matter what he said, if she was having issues with how she looked right now, he wasn't going to fix it by trying to browbeat her into getting over it when she was already vulnerable. He nodded, and she gestured at the bedside table.

"Try some lube," she suggested.

"You're doing pretty good for yourself," Han joked. He still complied with her request and then, instead of getting right to it, tapped her hip to make her roll slightly to the side, and slid a pillow underneath her hips.

Leia's eyes lit up knowingly. She tilted her head back again, closed her eyes lightly, and took a deep breath, letting her mind drift to thoughts of his mouth on her just moments again. Han slid into her slowly – she knew he kept pausing to check on her facial expressions – and as she kept herself relaxed, she noticed that it wasn't _hurting_ in a straightforward sense.

When Han thrust forward and his hips made contacts with hers – accompanied by a soft groan in the back of his throat – she sucked in her breath and lifted her head, wincing. Han ran a hand over her hair.

"You good?" he asked.

"I'm a little uncomfortable," she admitted. She shook her head quickly, soothing him. "It's not you. I think I'm entirely healed," she said frankly. "I think it's, ah, ummm," she shrugged. "Lack of use."

Han laughed huskily. She shifted her hips a little, getting used to it again, and Han closed his eyes, bowing his head. His lips moved soundlessly, and she kissed his jaw, apologetic. She rested his hand against his chest.

"Feel good?" she asked

He lifted his head, his eyes hazy. He nodded. She lifted her knees a little more, tightening her stomach, and everything else. She rubbed his shoulder gently, and moved her hand down to squeeze his arm.

"You can move," she murmured. "Start slow."

He did, and she adjusted to that, even more convinced that most of the nerves were in her head. She _would_ probably be sore later, but again, that was more due to the lapse of time rather than anything directly related to the baby. If she'd tried to get right back to this immediately, perhaps it would have been more of a healing process.

He kept to a slow rhythm at first, careful, even, pressing his lips against hers and kissing her slowly, and then he picked up his pace erratically, his breath coming in shorter bursts.

"Leia?" he asked.

"I'm good," she murmured, relaxing back – she loved this more than anything sometimes, the times when she'd already had more than her fair share, when he'd already taken care of her, and she was sated and she could just be part of this for him, and with him, without worry about getting there.

She liked the luxury of running her hands over him, being there for him to grasp at and hold onto, watching _him_ come for _her_. He grabbed her hip in one hand now, his fingertips digging into her, and planted a palm next to her ear, riding out a handful of final thrusts – one of which drove home an unexpected burst of pleasure that pulled a cry out of her.

Han collapsed, resting on her to catch his breath for a moment before he eased back, and rolled onto his back next to her. He ran his hand back over his face and through his hair, and then turned, touching her cheek earnestly.

"There at the end," he started, panting.

"Good scream," Leia assured him, touching his wrist. "_Good_ scream, Han," she drawled. If he'd been able to draw it out a little longer, she might have come again, but there was no chance she'd bring that up – this was better than she could have asked for, when it was such an anticipated thing, and Han was…Han was just so…

Suddenly, she found herself thinking of their other first times – their first time in general, the first time after the miscarriage, _this_ – and she felt so good about it, all of it – them, their life together – a few tears spilled down her cheeks.

She brought her hand up quickly and wiped them away, shaking her head.

"I'm happy," she said immediately, in case he got any ideas.

He kissed her cheeks, lying down to rest, his chest still heaving.

"Yeah," he agreed, his eyes closed.

She pressed her hand to her nose for a moment, composing herself and then slouched down next to him, drawing the sheets up to tangle her legs in. She'd be cold in a few minutes, and he'd be settled down enough to cuddle up, and this in-between time seemed peaceful and gorgeous.

Eyes still closed, Han arched his eyebrows, clearing his throat.

"I don't think we woke the baby once," he quipped hoarsely.

Leia turned her head, pretending to look at him quizzically.

"What baby?" she joked.

Han grinned – somehow, even though Jaina was a fixture in their lives now, they had managed to forget that for a time, short and sacred though it was, to focus on each other, and seize that part of their lives back. He opened his eyes to gaze at her, and she bit back a laugh, so much of the days' guilt and frustration and security – gone, gone like it had never existed at all.

This was another piece of the mosaic that their relationship was returned to its rightful spot; a colourful part of the picture returned to full glory, and nestled back in where it belonged in their new world as parents – in a larger sense, Han had been right; Jaina didn't _subtract_ from these adult parts of their relationship, she just occupied a different, equally as important strata of it – and no amount of straight relating to parenting, or adjustments to it, was going to send Han seeking what they had with someone else; he'd never find it. She'd never find it anywhere else – neither of them would.

This was another new secret uncovered, another riddle of their changed lives solved, and experiencing it made them better equipped to deal with it next time – which in itself was a blessing, because Leia already found herself wondering how the fuck she'd just gone almost six months without _that_.

* * *

_\- alexandra_

_story #398_


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